Ever since I was a little boy I liked to help people and one of the ways I helped was by making them laugh and as I got older it became by being strong for everyone around me. Some days it takes its toll on me and other days I breeze right through. Once the ugly world of racism and hate exposed its face to me at the age of 10 I guard my sensitivity well, so I think. One of my earliest memories of doing something “illegal” was in 1985 when my next door neighbor would credit me up front with fireworks from Indiana. I would sell what I had from my doorstep and my neighbor basically gave me a crash course on how to sell to make a profit. Once I got my first brick of fireworks I got to work and sold items like M-80’s that are considered “illegal” in Chicago. Not a huge crime but for a 10 year old I had my own firework ring and no one else was selling nearby so I had cornered the market. One day as customers came and left my doorstep the local beat cop noticed a lot of kids coming and going from my house and began circling my block more often. I had a customer one day and as the kid is handing me money the beat cop is rolling up in his car going a bit fast and focused on my house. I took the kids money and told him if he said anything that I would kick his ass and the kid quickly ran from my house without his fireworks. I tossed the fireworks into the next door neighbor’s bushes and casually walked down the steps. The patrol car slowed down and we made eye contact and even though I was 10 years old I had already made my mind up that he was my enemy and it was obvious that he thought the same of me.
I never regretted what I have done only because I never went out of my way to hurt someone and I never was deeply involved in crime in terms of drug dealing and murder. Those two activities are really the result of frustrated individuals that don’t have the mind to think how to succeed in other ways. I have sold things that I shouldn't have sold and never really made any money from it because it really has to be in bulk for one to see a worthwhile profit. I have been around others that have done the bulk stuff and I would observe their behaviors and thought process. FEW are wise many are just trying to make a buck as if it were a minimum wage paying job because after everyone else you have to pay, the hours, risk, and prep time the money does not add up.
I did OK for a 10 year old kid in 1985 selling fireworks and what I learned from my neighbor was loyalty. He had promised to only sell to me in the area (because he had a truck full of stuff) and to have first picks of what I wanted. I would never disrespect someone that I valued as a friend and as I got older I realized that sometimes I was the only on playing by those rules. Because of loyalty I know many people thought they could take advantage of me by putting me in harm’s way but what they didn’t see was the opportunity it gave me to build my character. I remember I was asked to go see someone and there was a great opportunity for this person to take out their anger on me even though I was not the target. I walked in without any weapons or worry because I knew that this individual was injured and I was going to make him my friend. After an hour or so we were laughing and talking about how to settle things and when I went back to discuss the issue all I said was that it was taken care of.
In that process there was a lot I had to exchange in my life to avoid from being viewed as weak even though some people had already labeled me as such due to my lack of incarceration time. I never understood why people thought being caught and sent to prison was some sort of badge I would think the opposite. After all they would admit in very indirect ways that their first time in they spent time crying in secret. In this process I made a lot of friends and alienated others but I went through the process to fill a void left behind by those that could have filled it properly but didn’t. I don’t blame directly many because I made friends with many that were already older in age and were ready to get out of the “game” both in nonprofit organizations and other types of organizations. In the end I never did time in prison for any of my stepping over the line actions but I have effectively pushed many people away. I spend a lot of time thinking of them and wondering what could have been and to be honest it was really a short period of time so my guess is that it must have been a training of sorts for me. What has me confused is what kind of training was it for?
I know that I could be a criminal and do many things in that line and so much that when I would get caught there would be no exit for me unless I threw everyone under the bus. There might be some people that I wouldn’t mind doing that to but that’s a life that will never materialize. The other side of me knows that I can be a deeply serious minister collar and all…the interesting thing is that the two are very close to each other. I always tell people that if you go far enough to an extreme you will always find yourself in your oppositions backyard. The thin line the separates the two lives bonds them together in a conflict that the United Nations itself couldn’t handle nor fix. It makes sense for “criminals” or “ex-gang members” to fall into a religious organization and when they start to see similar behaviors they try to find a way to scam everyone. That is mostly because the individual thinks they are so cunning that they snuck their way in and no one noticed but what they don’t see is that the door was wide open for them to come in. It is into the arms of the Almighty that you cannot sneak your way in so when an individual thinks they made it and things don’t work out they curse everything and swear they tried it all.
I know I haven’t tried it all and I know that I will never be a drug dealer or anything like that but I do know that my loyalty is right where it should be. My actions are guided by that loyalty and to the message it brings. So I am not ashamed to admit that I sold drugs, stolen from stores, taken money that didn’t belong to me, sold illegal fireworks, driven past the speed limit, rolled through a stop sign, taken a stop sign, ran through a red light, drank beer way before my 21st, smoked weed, broken someone’s house/car windows, smashed into a car to keep it from going away, driven without a license, gotten into fights in public, been arrested officially once for inciting a riot and unlawful assembly in NYC, etc…with all of that I never tried it all but I learned that regardless of which of these crimes I did not one took me away from God’s grace. It was the times that I couldn’t service a client, when I worked as a youth worker, because there wasn’t enough funding that made me feel like I wasn’t in His grace. The times that ministers turned their backs to me because of a gang membership and I wanted to hurt them I felt I wasn’t in His grace.
After all of that I am left with a deep personal relationship with Him and I am deeply grateful for all of my experiences. You’re right I didn’t have to go through all of that to reach this point but you tell me, are you willing to place your life on the line for Peace? I am because I know He will be there regardless of what I have to do to create Peace. He has been there with me all along when I was stealing, homeless, breaking a window, and helping the youth I worked with He was there.
So I look back at the moments before I saw that ugly face of the world and I didn’t know what my life was going to be, my biggest problem was I did not know what candy to pick. I was at a corner store minutes away from being physically shaken by a Chicago Police officer for being Latino not knowing I was too dark to live there. I was innocently happy with my bottle of coke and some candy and God was there with me preparing me for what was to come. Now I can see God off to the side behind the officer as the officer stood over me shaking me as he yelled. God was assuring me that I would be OK. I watched this officer go from being mad to pissed in seconds and I knew right away not to cry in front of him. I know now the feeling I had then meant, I would have to take the risk of offending everyone around me to become who I am today and who I still haven’t become.
What are you willing to risk?
Peace/AMOR
Gerardo
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