Religion is a tough subject for anyone to talk about and within the Peace process religion and/or “Church” always comes up as an institution that can do something about bringing along Peace.
Growing up in a United Church of Christ (UCC) congregation I always felt part of my local church and loved going because I felt different there in a good way. As a child I remember the activities I was involved in and during holiday times the pastor of the church Rev. Dr. Samuel Acosta would promise us a trip to Father and Sons pizzeria for participating in church plays. Then there were moments of disbelief and sadness, one summer as we were getting ready to have church we heard what seemed to be fireworks as the adults described it but growing up in the hood I knew it was gunshots. Moments later a guy comes running into the church bleeding and I couldn’t see if he was critically injured but there was lots of blood. I remember seeing some of the men running around finding something to absorb the blood and cover him up and another man closing the church doors. After that I don’t remember much but it became a time in my childhood that things were defined for me.
By the time I was 12 years old I had already been beaten up by the police, chased by the police, chased by “rivals,” shot a gun, and had my first real intense kiss with a girl and the thought of hell was always in the back of my mind. The pastor hardly preached about going to hell but did mention it here and there in passing but some of the church members were hell bent on making their voices heard about how much they hated certain things. That’s where I heard the word hell come over someone’s lips so much. Most of the people at the church were from Cuba and had experienced the Revolution of 1959 in Cuba and have a deep hatred for Fidel Castro. I would hear how Fidel would be burning in hell soon for all the things he has done and how they wished he was there now. I knew about Fidel and Cuba from the bits of history my Father would talk to me about. We would watch old war movies and I’d ask a question and he would give me the scenic tour version of the answer and I would be in awe of his intelligence. So at a young age from what I understood I couldn’t see why the Cubans at my church were so mad and I figured that they must have been the opposition or the reason for the Revolution. One of the leaders of the church let it slip one day and said that if she knew Fidel was in heaven when she died that she would opt to go to hell instead. At this point in my life I think she’s playing a stare contest with Fidel from afar because he’s not died yet and neither is she and they have their years on them!
By the time I was in my late teens many things had changed in the church and so much that I felt the need to step up into a leaders role but I always had something stirring in my gut that didn’t let me enjoy it like before. Preachers came and went while we looked for a new pastor and some were very hell bent and others were too passive. One came around thinking he was the hottest thing on the block because he had the education to “prove it” but that didn’t last long. As time went on I could see better how “church” wasn’t what I had thought it was because I was able to understand indirect comments people made of each other. People had serious alcoholic problems, infidelity, and other things but I was watching this unfold in front of me before I was even 18 years old without an explanation of why church people were like this. I would think back about sermons the preacher gave around these issues and how people would NOT go to heaven if they kept being like that. All of a sudden I realized that more than half the church was going to hell! So I asked myself why the HELL was I going to church with these people!? It’s comedy for me now but back then it really shook me to the core and I couldn’t believe that a church could run like this. I left my home church back in the late 1990’s and tried to go back some years ago but it didn’t feel right and walking into the sanctuary I felt like the space had been violated in some way.
It’s taken a lot of hardship in my life to get where I am at now and realize that I couldn’t have gotten here any other way. I’ve had lots of people die around me I’ve lost friends and family due to my political and religious beliefs. I’ve experienced things I would have never thought I could have and meet people that I never thought was possible and after all of that I love my life. Don’t get me wrong there is some stuff I could have done without but to love you have to go through everything to truly love.
Church for me today is still difficult because I know so many preachers and each has their own style and thoughts about love and hell and Peace that's too much to handle at times. What I do have now are preachers that are focused on loving people for who they are and where they are. They don’t preach hell instead they focus on loving but the obstacle is the people that is being preached to, do they believe in unconditional love?
The process of Peace has taught me that church is NOT where I can find the Peace I’m looking for. I’m not throwing church under the bus I’m just backing the bus into the church to knock out a wall or two for expansion.
The Peace I am looking for is one that accepts EVERYONE for who they are and where they are in their lives. I can expect to be loved even if I hate someone else for who they are that is a concept that I could never wrap my head around growing up. I remember hearing some of the guys I grew up with talk about certain people with such disgust and moments later kissing their mothers on the cheek telling them how much they loved them. I would always wonder how someone could change their emotions so quickly but being in the life that we participated in it is a skill to do so. I spent years perfecting my ability to turn off and on my emotions as if it were a light switch. I could be mean to the core within a blink of an eye and stay that way until I flipped that switch again. I know I can still do it but when I flip it back on the rush of emotions is overwhelming and too much to handle. What is interesting is that both the street and church helped me develop that ability…the ability to hate without remorse.
Today I don’t hate and am careful to not use the word hate or to have those feelings of hate because I know how it affects people. It’s a battle none the less because there’s a constant action that opens the door to wanting to hate something or someone.
My journey this year is to not only prove that my inner Peace is there but to prove that Peace within our society is there as well lying dormant. We need to wake that Peace up because we will soon need it to deal with where our society is going and I’m not trying to preach an end of time or because it’s 2012 it is obvious that we are changing what we believe in.
Will you join me in Looking for Peace?
Will you take a walk with your perceived enemy to find that Peace?
If you do I can join you even if I don’t know you I will Walk with you.
Peace/AMOR
Gerardo
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