When YOU look at yourself each morning who do you see? Some people say that they see “what they do”
rather than the actual person. This
image we have of ourselves can sometimes dictate how we act towards people or
how we expect to be treated. Here’s an
example: if someone is used to having the same person open the door for them
based on a title that they have the day it’s not opened that person will take
offensive over it. Depending on whom the
person is they can act out in various ways but it always starts at the childish
level. Remember when you were in first
grade and the first friend you made meant that you spent all of your time
together in class and on the playground.
Then one day a new student comes into the class and one of the friends
connects with the new student and now you’re not spending all of your time
together…jealousy settles in and you give birth to the idea of getting back at
someone.
How does this play out as adults? It can play out in many ways and it’s not
always about getting back at someone but sometimes it’s to show them that they
always knew they were superior to you no matter if you even called yourselves
Brothers. So when these things happen how do YOU see
yourself? In my life I have, what main
stream society would see as, the two extremes of “good” and “bad.” On the “good” side I have plenty of pastor
type friends from Anglican to Pentecostal and UCC to Lutherans. On the “bad” side I have my Brothers and
Sisters that belong to various street organizations better known as “street
gangs.” Up close these two groups are
very similar and I have the advantage to see that because I am up and close and
live in these two worlds. What I find
interesting is that the “bad” would rather not get into it with someone and
avoid conflict but the “good” side loves to take jabs and treat people like
shit freely without worry. It’s abusive
for the “good” side to act that way because they do it freely knowing that no
one will take a shot at them or confront them in a hostile manner because it
wouldn’t be seen as appropriate. So as
the “bad” side sits and watches the “good” side act like assholes the “bad”
side asks themselves “so why is it that I am bad in your eyes?”
Back in 2001 I found myself in a spot that I needed to make
a decision about what side I would stand on and since the “good” side didn’t
have the heart to withstand tough times I returned to my former “bad”
side. I was stoned by the “good” side
when they found out because I was sliding back into the “old” me and it’s the
same “old” me that they loved when I was around them so that they could feel
important around other pastor types. I
sometimes wonder how many ego erections I gave to some of these pastor types
when they could introduce me to their “pastor” friends and let them know WHO I
WAS out on the streets. So how do these “pastor”
types of people around me REALLY see me as?
I guess we would have to ask them and for those of you that know me
personally I invite you to freely ask those same “pastor” types that we know
and see if they have the heart to give an honest answer.
So I guess the question now is how does Gerardo see
himself? It is a complicated question because
for so many years I hid from my family and coworkers my dual and sometimes
triple identity because I had to navigate through people’s ignorance. So needless to say every morning I look into
the mirror and I wonder who I will have to be that day. Do I have to be the Brother/son to my family
that keeps everyone laughing? Do I have
to be the protector for some ungrateful individual that only thinks of
themselves? Do I have to be the advocate
coworker that fights for employees rights at the job I have? Do I have to be
the Reverend that cusses to educated people on reality? Do I have to be the Brother from the “bad”
side that forgives endlessly the errors of my Nation to show it unconditional
AMOR? It is not a dance that I created but the dance that people require
because they cannot deal with the realities of life. So what does this all mean?
In my mind I think that when the “good” side takes advantage
of people they ought to have some sort of consequences because more often than
not the “good” side gets away with being horrible people at everyone else’s
expense. Many of us “bad” side people
have been treated horribly by the “good” side everywhere from not being treated
equally to being lied to and used for their own benefit even if it’s for a
moment. Many times I have been asked to
lie or keep a secret from people on the “good” side and sometimes I tell these
people “Why keep it a secret? Fuck it if
they find out so what let them say something to you!” All I get is dead silence due to their
obvious fear because they want to think they can play on the “bad” side but
they don’t want to go to hell. It is
like the stupid personal ads that say “looking for hot bad boy but without the
bad boy issues I don’t need any problems in my life but want to know that you
can kick someone’s ass or that you’ve gotten away with something illegal” That’s
what some of these “pastor” types remind me of some insecure individual that
wants to act, look, and sometimes talk tough but cannot deal with the realities
of life. So they seek out someone from
the “bad” side so that they can be somewhat close to it but not have to deal
with the reality of a hard life.
My life is far from being hard in terms of food and housing
but I do share some equal concern around what may be coming down the
pipeline. I know that sounds vague and
it’s not to sound mysterious on purpose but if you read all that I have written
over the last few months I hope you can see what I am talking about.
It’s easy to get lost in yourself because if you wake up and
look into the mirror and smile without a concern in your life then it must be a
painting of glory because our society is being torn apart from lies and hatred
that it’s hard NOT to be affected in some way.
I know some people have concerns about their jobs right now others are
worried about how to pay bills because their income is not what it used to
be. Family members might be sick right
now and might have something that is hard to see a possibility of recovery. A relationship may be in doubt, parents getting
divorced, partner cheating on you, pastor is an asshole, there are many more…I’m
not saying that you need to be sad every morning what I am saying is that you
need to be realistic when you look at yourself.
You are HERE right now with the ability to change what is
around you and if you can find someone else that is feeling the same then the
possibilities become bigger. Every time
someone had passed away in the hood be it a Brother or someone’s family member and
there wasn’t enough to pay for the funeral someone was appointed to
collect. This individual would drive
around the hood and talk to everyone and let them know that someone needs to be
buried and we needed help and the money would flow in. Sometimes other parts of the city would come
by and drop off some money because they had heard about the sad news and within
hours a collection of well over $5000.00 would be collected because it was
needed. Go to some of these places were
the “good” people meet at and they got all sort of excuses as to why they can’t
help right then and there for a good cause or they’ll say something like “why
didn’t you tell me before!” with an expression of surprise!
Does “good” always look good?
Does “bad” always look bad?
So who do YOU see in the morning? Are you the actual person you are looking at
or are you the person that is worried about what someone might really see in
you?
Peace/AMOR
Gerardo
